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Le Tour: Curly Weighs In...
Tour 2004
\r\nBy Curly P. Mudgeon
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\r\nGambling is ugly business especially when you try to squeeze your bet in after the horses are already out of the gate.
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\r\nThe Tour of France has already started and bubba it’s just a wee bit late to get in on the action. It is not luck that in Vegas anything is possible, for you must understand that there will be a steeper price of admission to join us at the table now, not to mention that if you get lucky at the races there could be a few ugly fellows milling around your car after the cash has been handed out. Even Pete Rose understood that. Catchers wear facemasks and a man doesn’t get a bent nose and bloated cheeks shouting at the umpire.
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\r\nIt takes special courage to predict the out come of a three week crash fest especially with a huge drug debacle looming. I for one have this kind of courage and truthfully the right kind of cash. Williams going down to the Russian teen didn’t hurt my financial standing with the bookies and though it did hurt me when that meathead South African took advantage of our Californian’s little melt down on the second-to-last link, I happily saw it coming and was on the phone right quick.
\r\nAnd melt down could be a phrase more than one of this year’s Tour Combatants becomes intimate with. Simoni for one will be punished for even thinking about winning this thing after getting slapped hard by Cuneago at the Giro – the Giro being like the College World Series next to Le Tour – and Le Tour being as Barry-Bonds-Balco-Bat-Swinging-Big as bicycle racing gets.
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\r\nPoor McGee has done as well as he ever has, but he too will get a strong taste of bile in this event – but not for a week or two. He should pull out at half way and rest up for the Olympics.
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\r\nTyler Hamilton makes pain a habit so though he will suffer it will not be for naught.
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\r\nTricky Ricky will change religions three times and end up a Sufi monk living among us – but not really among us. And good riddance.
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\r\nAll of the Gonzalez’es and similar will stride into the ring in one race like this is a bull fight and the bull only has to be slain once. My matadors, this bull is, how do you say, es muy especial, e mi amigos he is going to gore you big time.
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\r\nWhy is Eric Zabel still racing? Did someone forget to point him to the announcer’s booth? He should enjoy talking about the old days next to Phil and Paul… a very difficult climb indeed, eh Paul? Ho ho.
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\r\nDanilo Hondo – the Italian Samurai will flame out in such a rush of gore and gnashing teeth spectators will go home shivering and swear off ever watching the tour again. Men should not do this to themselves, not in public, on public roadways where people eat stinky cheese and cheer like drunk baboons.
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\r\nIban Mayo will spread himself too thin and not even La Resistance will be able resurrect him. In this year’s tour, orange is the color of martyrdom.
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\r\nBacksted and Husvelt will enter into a drunken fist fight over which country really invented the paper clip. These are two big men, but big men with skinny arms. And the paper clip along with everything else was invented in China and perfected in Iowa.
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\r\nThe island of Dr. Christophe Moreau will be deserted by its lone inhabitant, an underarm-scratching sociopath named Patrice. There is a New Zealander on the team named Dean, so at least they’ll have mutton and some right easy laughs along the way.
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\r\nBotero is the king of pain. He is that little black dot on the sun today, and tomorrow and the next day. Look to him for a day or two of heroics and to go down swinging.
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\r\nThis man Dufaux from Switzerland is always good for a few climbs, but where is he when the dodgeball’s are flying? Sitting on the bench, hoping someone on his team catches one. They never do Dufaux – you’re on a one-day classic’s team – quick step cannot do it.
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\r\nRoberto Heras is a name from the near past and he is teammates with a man named Vandevelde. What were these guys thinking? Postal Service wouldn’t raise the price of stamps by another ten cents to keep you happy and so you two split town. There’s no coming back to the table after you fold this napkin my friends.
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\r\nGod pity Axel Merckx. The coolest name in sport, but why did his father let him throw a leg over the bike? Why not soccer? There is no hope for living up to the legend. It just isn’t fair.
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\r\nWhy can’t Paolo Bettini ride longer than one day? The man is a genius for winning races, but he needs his rest and there is none to be found for the next three weeks.
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\r\nAll the Laurent’s will carry water bottles this year and next year and for as many years as I can see. Italian cycling is bubbling on the stove; French cycling is a dead snail.
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\r\nBut what about Australia? There are so many Australians in the race Phil and Paul will have to reclaim Australia for the Queen – let me tell you, that won’t be easy. The smart money is on Australia should it come to blows. Phil and Paul won’t be able to ogle the thighs of David Millar this year. Their man is out for riding the EPO express and I never liked that whining pig anyway.
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\r\nDon’t forget the Dutch, I mean for a day or two of carefully chosen glory, but forget the Dutch for anything longer than a short hash pipe. Eric Decker will win a race, but outside of dikesdoovillee who cares?
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\r\nPetacchi makes a betting man wonder. How can a man win so many sprints? How is that possible without some sort of, um, inside help? There are so many variables in any race, but a sprint? Get out of town. And yet the names are always the same, and recently there has been only one name: Alessandro!
\r\nAlessandro, let me introduce you to the Australians.
\r\nGood luck to ya, mate.
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\r\nChipo, even an old dog finds a bone now and again, but it will have to be put right under your snout this year. The rug in front of the fire has your name lovingly embroidered on its corner.
\r\nThe green jersey is fine, but what matters is race wins, not sprints along the way. That is a game for old timers and punk kids on group rides all sprinting for town limit signs.
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\r\nAs for polka dots, who cares? This is no prize. This is won by a man who has given up on winning the real deal. This is something to talk about when the camera can’t show Jan because he is pissing from the bike.
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\r\nYoung riders will get their day either now or later or never but for it to be the real thing it will be in Yellow – not white. The fact that the jersey is white is not an accident. Life is not about having the potential. It is about doing something with it. Ask Damiano Cuenego. His first jersey was pink.
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\r\nThis month the only prize is Yellow.
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\r\nJan Ulrich will fail again. He looked extremely strong and in control in the Prologue. He will put up as much a fight as a beaten man can and he will show no sign of pain, no sign of cracking but after the next commercial break he will have fallen behind again and you will say, what happened? He was right there?
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\r\nTyler Hamilton will not beat him, but is it only because his team is not strong enough? Or is it something else, in the genes or the syringe or the miles and miles and miles.
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\r\nLevi Leipheimer lived in Montana and raced the same series of races I did only a few years later. For this reason I consider him kin, also his bald head. He is married to a model and has a fairy book name but Levi, some men cannot have everything, ever.
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\r\nBobby Julich grew up racing bikes in Colorado and was a cool kid. If he could give better interviews the men behind the men behind the scenes might give him a chance, but somewhere… well you remember what I said about potential… he is still wearing the white jersey of the mind. He needs to return to his roots, lay off the soft cheese and hit the heavy bag in the basement and leave the gloves on the stool in the corner. Still we will see him in this year’s tour tucked into the lead group, and we will hope for the best when we do, but a wine’s tannins do not tell the whole tale and rolling it around in the glass is a sign of an amateur. I am pulling for you Bobby, take a big gulp.
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\r\nI am writing this after 1am on the 4th of July. My fellow Utah’ins have knocked off the fireworks finally and I might get some sleep if I quit this hunt and pecking now. There is no more a firework crazed state full of yahoos than Utah. We love the 4th here, that and “This-is-the-Spot-Day” or whatever its called, and what better than Chinese-invented and Chinese-manufactured pyrotechnics to really say “GO USA!” Ah well we’ll all be friends tomorrow as we splash around at the water park and pass the bubbly apple cider at the BBQ because Lance Armstrong will win this tour and Jan Ulrich will get second again and Tyler Hamilton will get third and Levi fourth and after that it is shooting fish with a bow, just hope the water bends the arrow in the right direction. That’s what Pete Rose did, and in the end, he didn’t do all that bad.
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\r\nYours,
\r\nCoach, Curly Mudgeon
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This guy used to race with Levi Leipheimer? Come on...
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\r\nTeam Today is a non-profit organization run by, and for, the athletes of the US Cross-country team. The USST is run on a shoestring budget, and our increasing success at the international level is making for increasing demand on our ever-limited resources. To find out how you can join Team Today, visit www.teamtoday.org, or contact Andrew Johnson bode1978@yahoo.com, or Pete Vordenberg pvordenberg@ussa.org. With your assistance, we will be THE BEST IN THE WORLD!
Written By: petevDate Posted: 7/8/2004Number of Views: 317
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